Reflecting on 2018
This post is vulnerable. I want people to see that life is not always as great as it looks on social media.
2018 started out great- my bf (now hubby) and I moved out of our tiny apartment into a big house in town. We were thrilled. 3 bedrooms. 2 baths. Back yard. Deck. And we rang in the new year having our first house party!! I was thrilled for the room that was my new office. It was bigger than the bedroom in the apartment. The dog was loving the big space. I was loving the office. Chris loved the brand new sectional with electric reclining seats. Life was great. So what could make it go wrong?
One thought. One sad miserable thought can make a great life turn upside down.
Here is a little back story- I got divorced from a very abusive man in 2016. Instead of grieving and working through emotions, I poured myself into my career (hence the reason I work so much). I am so bad at ignoring the elephant in the room and just focusing on something else. I went through a few relationships that failed. At the moment, I always blamed the other person. Looking back, it was all me.
Chris and I started dating in March of 2017. It was great chemistry. We knew each other as kids and our families were familiar with each other so obviously God did this. The first year of our relationship was awful. Again, because of me. I still question- how the heck did he deal with me?! I would tell him I wanted a break- make up some excuse for why. Then I would tell him I loved him- because he never gave up on me. It was a constant battle in my head. I was allowing the Devil to corrupt my thoughts and continue to remind me of my past.
Was I worth it? Was I good enough for Chris? What if I let him down? What if he gets mad at me? What if I am not everything he always wanted? How am I supposed to trust one person? How do I know he will not hurt me-physically and emotionally?
When I say constant- I mean EVERY DAY!! It was a battle in my mind that kept me up at night. And what did I do- I ignored the elephant in the room and put my focus on work and started drinking A LOT. I knew that my business and alcohol would not let me down because I had full control of it.
Once we moved, life got better. Our finances were lining up. Bills were paid. It was good to start fresh after a year of hell. And then it started happening again- the thoughts. I would drink just enough to make them disappear. But waking up the next morning to reality was no different than the day before. My communication skills were lacking in my relationship with Chris. He had zero idea of what was going on. He probably thought I was about to start my period or something.
I broke it off “for good” right after our 1 year anniversary in March. He even went apartment hunting and slept on the couch. I remember this night like it was yesterday. I came home late from a work event extremely drunk. It was a fancy one so I was all dressed up and stumbling my way up the stairs. I saw that he was on the couch asleep. Something inside of me broke down. I just needed a hug and an ear to listen. It was my most vulnerable moment I have ever experienced. I cried for what seems hours and poured my heart out. I told him about my feelings and actually talked about my past. God was all around us in that moment. I remember Chris saying “I will never give up on you.” We committed in that moment to love each other every day and work through any problem. Communication was going to be priority starting right then....
We went on to commit ourselves forever just a few months later at the most fun wedding I could have imagined. Relationships are great when you never give up on the other person. Marriage is a constant effort. You make the most out of it. I can tell you now that being Chris’s wife is the best part of my life.
So- if you have made it this far, I want you to know that life is messy for everyone. I was dressed to the T that night yet was sooo ugly on the inside. I pray every day for God to continue to give me strength to work through my past and my current problems. Because of Him, I am no longer a drug addict and have kept my drinking to a much smaller limit. I hope that you have someone in your life like I have Chris. And if you do not, keep looking. I promise that one day you will. He has been my saving grace. He is literally my best friend and someone that will always accept me and love me- for me.
I hope this touches someone’s life.
Till next time,